A series of rants - No.10

Rant #10

Strange things are afoot within the boundaries of the House of Commons. Several MPs have been 'outed' in recent months for not appearing as they actually are. Many have been forced into resignation and life on the backbenches, just because an investigative journalist decided to move a rung up the career ladder.

More disturbing is the confidential report from the Senior EU Executive for Outing, Mr. Gus van Bull-Schmidt who hails from Germany. Leaked to me by an insider spy is the full list of wannabe-MPs and who they actually are, as discovered by the Right Honourable van Bull-Schmidt in his fight against sleaze.

The report is not lengthy, nor waffling in its delivery, yet will have a profound effect on British politics likely to overshadow that of Bill Clinton's well publicised impeachment trial of recent times.

As we already know of Ron Davies', Peter Mandelson's, and Robin Cook's misdemeanours, divulging further information would prove no further point, but if I were to mention that the Prime Minister tops the list, to most it would come as a shocking surprise.

Tony Blair, Prime Minister to the people, for the people, our choice to lead our country, is not quite whom he said he was. You see Tony's real name is Lionel. Yes, Lionel Blair - he of 'Name That Tune' and 'Give Us A Clue' fame is now in charge of running this country. But where are the similarities?

Here I present Mr. van Bull-Schmidt's observations which, though superfluous to his ability to "do the job in hand", begs the question: how did he fool us for so long?

The Blairs share the same bouffant hair, although 'Tony' has dispensed with the highlights he favoured in the 1980s. Lionel and Tony also share the same beaming, albeit patronising, smile. It is certainly no "mere coincidence" notes Mr. van Bull-Schmidt.

Our learned colleague has also been able to observe 'Tony' in the relative privacy of Number 10. During these "official" visits, Mr. van Bull-Schmidt alleges he witnessed 'Tony' dancing - not a boogie à la Disco style, but adding deft twirls and expert foot placement - with an abandonment of a shackled man suddenly free to express himself.

As you ponder this thought, consider this: 'Tony' engaged his family, the cabinet, and Mr. van Bull-Schmidt in a game of charades. On the surface it appears as a perfect way to wind down at the end of the day, but the report alleges either 'Tony Blair' cheats at charades or he is indeed king of the mime. My money is on the latter.

If, after all this irrefutable evidence, you still consider 'Tony' to be who he says he is, remember that Michael Aspel has so far been refused access to 'Tony's' family life for a special "This Is Your Life" and Una Stubbs has disappeared from the scene, only to return with a new hairstyle and calling herself Cherie. Tony Blair I out you. Remember, you heard it here first.