Friday, October 28, 2005

Under the Thumb

Even when they took his thumb off with the bolt cutters he didn’t even flinch. Some of the men were inwardly proud of his resolve, others horrified by it. Outwardly, they all retained their aggressive stance and implacable face. Only when they began on his left hand did his eyes dart back and forth, his poker face not as professional under pressure as he may have wanted. It was too late. Only Billy had noticed the slight change.

He ordered them to stop. His right hand was mutilated beyond repair, but he had his left. Billy placed a piece of paper in front of him, the rustling as it came to rest on his knee the only sound in the room; it was almost as if everyone were holding their breath until he had written something.

Instead of a pen, Billy picked up one of his digits and passed it to him to write with. He gave Billy a look of contempt, yet also compliance, but Billy ignored it. He continued to hold the digit until he was forced to take it. Billy’s nod ensured his mob quickly took up their jobs from the point where they had abandoned them earlier.

Again, the darting of the eyes. Billy smiled, held out the finger again.

He snatched it, bringing a stinging slap to the face. No one had yet spoken, but a murmur trickled around the room. Billy spun around, glaring. No one met his eye.

Then, the ping of the light bulb as the filament blew. Fuck; the curse coming from many mouths. Stumbling, more cursing. Then, a flick of his wrist and Billy had his lighter open and lit, casting a sphere of gold within a metre of his body.

He checked to make sure he was still seated. He was. Good boy.

One of the men left the room, having located a torch. He was off to see about finding the power, try to pinpoint the problem and get the lights back on. Billy wanted it done yesterday; asap; pronto. He always wanted it like that.

Billy looked down at the broken man in front of him. His blue shirt had turned red and purple as his blood had begun to soak in and dry. His trousers were sodden. Billy had seen many men break down in this chair, to find that their bowels and bladders loosened once the pain got too much. That smell. It brought back memories. Not this time, though. This time he couldn’t smell the fear. Not bad for a detective. They were usually the ones that squealed the most when they brought out the bolt cutters.

The lights came back on suddenly. A lacklustre cheer went up, silenced by a further glare from Billy. He motioned for his prisoner to carry on. The man seemed to smile up at his interrogator as he bent forward over the paper. Billy was unable to see what was being written on the paper.

A commotion was happening outside the room. Billy signalled for one of his henchmen to attend to it. They could do without any disturbance now that they were so close to finding out the piece of information they needed. The kind detective was going to give it to them.

The door to the room burst open and Billy instinctively pulled out his gun and pointed in the direction of the sound. Only his henchmen stood before him, there seemed to be no threat. Billy shrugged.

"There’s a fucking bomb in the cellar, boss. It goes off in less than a minute!" There was panic in his voice. Without waiting for his signal, people were trying to leave the building as soon as possible, trampling each other, kicking and punching.

Billy bent forward and snatched the paper from the hand of the policeman. This time he was greeted by a grin. Billy looked at the childish scrawl on the paper. One word written in blood.

Boom.

11 comments:

Tamarai said...

How exquititely done, Sime. Fantastic piece of writing - gripping, well written and perfect ending.

with tongue

T

purplesime said...

Thanks T.

I think giving up smoking has made my darker side come out!

purplesimon out...

Tamarai said...

you quite smoking??? This is news!

Congrats.

T

ginab said...

A Bukowski reader . . . cool. I wanted to say/write that.

I'm on the patch tomorrow.

I've got to write right now, too; something besides this.

+ginab

PS: found you through comments on Townshend's chapter 7.

purplesime said...

Thanks Gina,
Good luck with the 'giving up smoking'.

Day 5. Agitated!

purplesimon out...

ginab said...

Thanks for stopping by mine. On your story, and I only have a few minutes to comment, just as CB would do, shoot for brevity, as in, the first sentence (and note some liberal, perhaps, edits): When they chopped his thumb using bolt cutters he didn't flinch.

I kind of like the rhythmn as it suggests the chop of the cutters. Nice grit and immediacy. It's a story I want to read. Consider, if you want, nixing voice that belongs to a narrator you want less visible, as in "even; thumb off with; even". And, use verbs wherever, whenever. This is the painful process; the hunt for verbs. And otherwise the hunt to eliminate--the greater the brevity the more a character is revealed. Further down the page, and again (geezuz I hope you don't mind): His right hand mutilated, he had his left. Billy placed a sheet of paper in front of him on his knee, and the rustling was the only sound in the room. Everyone held their breath, waiting for him to write something.

That's rough and as I see it, a third run would be to concentrate on those little transitions. Sorry for the energy here. I believe I'd said I've only a few minutes. I hate what I do so much for a living I'm about to pack a suitcase and just start walking.

I'm submitting work today to the Iowa Review, to Many Mountains Moving, to Hunger Mountain, to Gulf Coast, and so on. You must know about these. Anyway, I need to afford the postage for those and then there's those patches.

Thanks for the Email--messages to my blog are submitted that way to me, some automatic trigger effect. I'm glad you're out there. Damn thrilled to see "Bukowski". I think Stu Dybek was a pal. I mean, Dybek speaks of him as being in the same room, as being across from a table eating. I studied under Stu and tho I see old school clogging the halls, overpaid buddies turning lily white with age, I learned a lot.

Are you going to AWP in Austin?

-ginab

ginab said...

P.S. On Austin TX, geez I forgot you're in London. I used to live in North London. Anyway, I'm glad you're alive.

purplesime said...

Yep, I hear what you're saying.

I rarely re-read anything I write. I'm lazy like that. I guess I don't care to be a 'published' writer.

That's a lie. Of course I do. I need to tighten things up.

These stories are those that I have in my head as I fall asleep and I then half-remember; writing them out tends to mean I avoid some pitfalls but miss others.

It's good to get some constructive criticism for once. It's something friends can scarcely give me for fear they will offend.

I'm not easily offended. My friends should know this.

Perdita said...

November 1
NANOMO (National Novel Writing Month)

Those who can't do
encourage others who can
So they have things to read

malachi trizec said...

being an art student, i get an instinctive flinch whenever the mutilating of hands (fictional & non-) is involved...kinda like some guys & the kicking-in of balls, i suppose.

your blog is very interesting.

"rvmumnru" by far the most illegible word verification 'word' ever.

Chris said...

Okay, now THIS is my favorite story you've written. Until I read the next one, of course.