I've been tagged by Gina and this story is my five things you didn’t know about me. So, for once, this is not fiction.
- I try not to be selfish. This is why:
I can recall the day the phone rang and my father was on the other end. He told me my mother was dying. It was a Wednesday. I’d just been burgled. It's as clear to me now as it was all those years ago. It was one of those days: a shit one.
I shouldn't have been surprised by the call; we're all on our way to death. Still, it came as a shock. Now I am numb to it. It's what happens as time drags on. I almost wish I could scream at her: what's taking so fucking long, I've been mourning you for almost two years; can’t you see what it's doing to us?
Instead, I hug her, hold back my tears and remind my mother that I want her around to see me get married, have children, live my life.
To think that only seven years ago I tried to take my own life, to discard this precious gift as if it were a soiled blanket. How selfish I was. Perhaps I am still? I try not to be.
- I have a copy of every book written by Charles Bukowski. His sense of self-esteem mirrors mine, but I've learned that drugs only blank things for a while. Drugs? I’ve tried them all. I've failed with them, too. Now, I sup at beers and suck on joints held together with the spit of friends and lovers. I regained my love of writing from his books, helping me to gain publication of my poems and short stories.
I gave it all up for a career in advertising. If I ever had a soul, I know it's been sold many times over. I keep checking eBay, but to no avail.
- Often these days it's music that keeps me going. I can't stand the sound of silence and have to put the radio on if there is no access to CDs or musical instruments. In times of real distress I reach for a guitar, strum a tune or two. Music calms me and in the past it has stopped me from doing something stupid with razor blades.
- Over the past 12 months I have given up many of my vices. It's been an arduous journey, particularly the no smoking. I took up yoga to help. It has worked for me and I can now bend my body into interesting shapes.
I still crave cigarettes from time-to-time. Such as during my waking hours. But I abstain.
It's a sign of me maturing, I guess. Only a little.
- I still remember every word in the script of Pulp Fiction. It's a film that no one can ever watch with me. I annoy people with my reciting. It stems from the time I took a strong hit of LSD, watched the film three times in a row. Since then, the words have embedded themselves in my brain. It makes for nicer flashbacks.
I'm pleased I never watched soap operas. Flashbacks would have been hard to live with if I had.
I now tag the following people:
I just hope they have the time and inclination to write out a list.